Monkey Butt: Understanding It and Getting Rid of It
Let’s start this blog with a simple truth. No one likes to talk about their butt problems.
You can’t deny it. No matter how uncomfortable you might be or how tired you are of walking around with a nasty case of butt rash 24/7, the last thing you want to do is call someone up and ask them about it. The fact that you’ve got the worst monkey butt this side of the Mississippi is rarely enough motivation for someone to casually broach the topic for discussion with a coworker.
“Yeah, that game last weekend was crazy. Couldn’t believe how close it was. Oh hey, by the way, do you have any tips for dealing with this hot red rash that I’ve got between my buttcheeks and straight down my perineum?”
See? Not exactly something that most people are in a hurry to do.
It’s alright, though. We understand that monkey butt is a sensitive subject. That’s why we’ve put together this little guide to help you understand what’s going on down there -- and, more importantly, to make sure that you eliminate your butt chafing once and for all. Instead of having to talk to your buddies about how to fix your butt rash problem, you can learn everything you need to know from the privacy of your own phone.
As you’ll soon find out, monkey butt is a more common problem that you might have believed. A lot of people suffer from it unbeknownst to those around them. That’s not really surprising when you think about it, though. After all, we’ve already pointed out that you’re not in any hurry to talk to anyone about it, right? On top of that, though, you’ll soon see that there are a number of different strategies when it comes to dealing with monkey butt. Some are more effective than others, and our goal is to help you pick out the right approach to beating your own butt chafing: one that will work for you according to the conditions of your job, exercise routine, and lifestyle.
Alright guys, let’s get down to business. Time to tackle this monkey and wrestle it to the ground. Figuratively, of course.
What Is Monkey Butt?
First and foremost, let’s talk about what exactly we mean by monkey butt.
Ever seen a photo of a baboon with a big, red, butt that looks painful beyond belief? That’s the sort of imagery that the phrase “monkey butt” brings to mind. Now, as it turns out, those big red butts are actually quite comfortable if you’re monkey. In fact, they exist specifically to provide extra padding for primates like baboons, who prefer to spend the vast majority of their time sitting. It’s true: baboons aren’t into standing desks. You can thank science for that useful factoid. Some monkey butts are crazy colorful, too, like Mandrills. Their butts are literally rainbow colored. We’re not joking.
Science facts aside, we’re not talking about the swollen red butts of baboons here. When we say monkey butt, we’re referring to itching, redness, swelling, and general irritation in the butt region. This can take the form of a rash between the buttocks, but a lot of people use the term “monkey butt” to refer to chafing and rashes in other parts of their nether regions, too.
Chafing can show up in the perineal region, meaning the area between the base of the balls and the rectum itself. Fun stuff! And, of course, that chafing can spread to other areas too -- like your ball sack itself, or your inner thighs.
So, when we say “monkey butt,” we’re not just talking about redness between your butt cheeks. We’re referring to any sort of chafing in and around your nether regions, period. If you’re having chafing between your buttocks, it’s actually pretty likely that you’re experiencing a little bit of chafing in other places (ahem, “down there”), too.
Now that we know what we mean by monkey butt, you might be wondering: what’s up with all of this chafing? Why is it happening? It’s important to understand a little bit more about what exactly chafing is and what causes it before we attempt to solve the problem of monkey butt. Keep reading to learn more.
Understanding Chafing and Its Causes
At some point or another, virtually everyone’s had some sort of rash or other skin irritation. Maybe it was acne when you were a teenager, a case of the chicken pox as a young kid, athlete’s foot between your toes, or even poison ivy that you picked up while out doing yard work. Regardless, most of us have dealt with skin irritation at some point in our lives.
To some degree, a tiny bit of irritation in your nether regions isn’t the end of the world. You may get slightly itchy down there on a hot, humid day, and that can be normal -- as long as it’s very mild and not terribly bothersome. But when chafing happens and a rash follows, things have gone too far.
Chafing is an incredibly common skin problem, which makes sense when you think about it. After all, anyone who’s moving around is potentially subject to the ill effects of chafing.
Put in simple terms, chafing happens as a result of friction. This can be the friction of two body parts against one another, or of a fabric against your skin. In many cases, chafing can actually occur as a result of both. Think about what happens if someone goes for a long run: their inner thighs rub together, as does the clothing covering their skin. That’s a recipe for chafing disaster.
Here’s the thing: chafing is often pretty mild. Maybe you get a little bit of redness on your skin and a tiny bit of itching. No big deal, right? The problem here is that chafing isn’t always mild. In some cases, it can get downright awful. We’re talking severe pain, crusty skin, blistering, and even bleeding. No one wants any of those things going on in the perineum region, right?
It’s important to understand that your skin is actually the largest organ in (on?) your body, and that it’s designed to take a little bit of abuse. We didn’t evolve to be delicate flowers that couldn’t go for a jog or ride a bike for thirty minutes without developing a five-alarm case of monkey butt. After all, think about all the stuff your skin’s doing each and every day to protect you. Without healthy skin, you’d be exposed to all sorts of germs and bacteria with no barrier between them and you.
The problem, though, is that skin can wear down just like any other part of the body. If you overwork your arm, you can get tennis elbow. Do you spend nine hours (or more) every day at a computer? You might end up with carpal tunnel. Similarly, if you engage in repetitive movements that involve your skin rubbing against other skin and/or fabric, you may develop some degree of chafing.
Excessive moisture tends to make chafing worse. That’s why we often associate chafing with being hot and sweaty: the warmer your nether regions are and the more you’re sweating, the greater the chance of ending up with a nasty case of monkey butt by the end of your six hour hike.
Butt chafing tends to be linked to a handful of specific risk factors. Being overweight can make you particularly prone to chafing, as can wearing clothes that are too tight or that fit poorly in some other way. Being overly hairy also doesn’t help. Certain physical activities can also make you prone to chafing: running and cycling are too of the most common ones, although particularly strenuous walking or hiking belongs in this category, too. In fact, any strenuous and prolonged outdoor activity where you’re getting hot and sweaty could result in major chafing at one point or another.
How to Prevent Monkey Butt
So, now we know what monkey butt is and what causes it. The big question is: how can we prevent monkey butt and develop and anti-chafe, anti-pain regimen?
First, a word of warning. If you’re currently experiencing a massive case of monkey butt, one of the best things you can do is take a break from whatever activity brought it on in the first place. If, for example, you’re a weekend warrior when it comes to cycling, you’re going to want to take a few days off. If you go running every day on your lunch break and work up a serious sweat in 90-degree weather, that’s not something you’ll want to keep doing if you’re trying to kick a bad case of butt rash.
That said, some people experiencing monkey butt can’t simply stop what they’re doing until it goes away. Maybe you have a physically demanding job and work outside all day in the heat, for example. If this is you, don’t worry: you can still get rid of your monkey butt. Take it as easy as you can, and simply make use of some of the preventive strategies below. They’ll provide you with some relief in the interim while you’re waiting for your monkey butt to go away. And, once it’s gone, these tips will help keep it from coming back.
Clothes to Prevent Monkey Butt
Wearing the right clothing is one of the most important things you can do to keep monkey butt at bay.
Now, maybe you already have some running or cycling shorts that you like to wear when you’re going for a long jog or a Sunday ride. Or, you may be the proud owner of some high-tech hiking pants that wick away sweat and moisture from the body.
If so, kudos to you. If not, finding anti-friction clothes that can help prevent monkey butt isn’t rocket science. As you may have gathered from the above descriptions of exercise and hiking clothes, you want something that’s breathable and that wicks moisture away from your skin. Most clothes designed for prolonged outdoor activity and/or exercise will do just that.
Where this whole thing breaks down for a lot of people, though, is their underwear. You put all of this money and effort into picking out a new workout wardrobe for yourself, and you forgot about the article of clothing that’s literally making contact with your butt and your junk all the livelong day. Big mistake.
If you want to say goodbye to monkey butt, you’re going to need to pick the right underwear. A cotton-synthetic blend is usually the way to go, as it will provide both the breathability of cotton and the moisture wicking qualities of synthetic fiber. 100% cotton underwear tends to get wet and stay that way (gross), whereas fully synthetic underwear may not permit enough airflow. If in doubt, anything labeled “technical” underwear is usually a good choice.
Grooming Habits: Shaving, Cleaning, and Powdering
In addition to wearing the right clothes, developing the correct grooming habits is essential if you want to get rid of the butt rash that currently plagues you.
First off, let’s talk manscaping. A lot of guys these days have bought into the idea that they need to shave their balls (and maybe even their perineum and buttcrack) smooth in order to prevent sweating and chafing.
While we’re not going to get into a discussion of the merits of this practice for, ahem, “aesthetic” reasons, the bottom line is that body hair actually serves an important role in preventing chafing. While a crazy amount of super long and thick body hair can indeed increase sweat retention -- thereby making you more prone to chafing -- a little bit of body hair actually reduces friction. It’s a natural deterrent to butt rash. The bottom line? Trim your body hair, but don’t shave it all off.
Next up, you want to wash your butt crack, perineum, balls, and inner thighs. A big cause of both odor and irritation down there is the growth of bacteria, and you want to be sure to wash any microorganisms that may be trying to make a home underneath your ball sack down the drain at the end of a long workout. We recommend Chassis® Shower Primer as the ideal way to clean your skin in these sensitive areas while retaining the proper amount of moisture.
Lastly, the silver bullet for chafing prevention is Chassis® Premium Powder. This premium powder is formulated without harmful chemicals or talc, and it prevents the buildup of excessive sweat and moisture in between your butt cheeks and under your ball sack. Plus, ingredients like aloe and oatmeal work to soothe and cool irritated skin and help relieve the suffering of those already experiencing monkey butt.
Want to learn more about how Chassis’ premium products can help cure your monkey butt once and for all? Take a look at what we have to offer here.